Being a unique and different gay man in Malaysia
has never been an easy journey, but living in Singapore for fifteen years has
helped enriched my “gay life journey” to the fullest, especially when I
converted to Christianity eighteen years ago. Loving myself through my
effeminate expressions includes accepting myself as a drag queen and
identifying as a Trans Gay Man.
young, I had always known deep down in my heart that I was different and extra
special, even though I was struggling to understand the experiences of my
growing up years. Being only interested in guys whom I liked and who appealed
to me did freak me out at the beginning, yet excited me even more to try to
find ways and means to venture into the unknown. It was like a great adventure was
waiting for me, like going through the epic of Indiana Jones in Kuala Lumpur. Later,
I found out that I was different and different for a reason when I was in
Singapore. There, my “gay life journey” flourished to its fullest potential,
especially when I converted to Christianity there eighteen years ago.
At such a
tender age, I did not understand fully or know what being homosexual was about,
until I had my first internet experience, when the world I did not know opened
up to me. The sky was the limit. I was thrilled that I could search for all
kinds of information under the sun, especially in my journey to understand what
being homosexual was, and what I was experiencing in my growing up years. It
was through the internet that I came across the word “homosexual.” At that
moment, the most important matter in my life was revealed to me in layers. I
became more excited about the journey which I had started to embark on to find
out about myself and my own sexual orientation. This was indeed a beginning without
growing up years, and especially when I was working and residing in Singapore
for many years, I was exposed to a different kind of worldview, which I had
never imagined that I was capable of accepting into my life. I knew deep inside
that I was an open-minded yet different kind of gay guy who was unlike others.
I was always game enough for an adventure into anything under the sun, as long
it did not go against my God-given conscience. Working and residing in
Singapore for more than fifteen years had given me the personal space I needed
to create the imagined world, which I got to actualise step by step, and phase
by phase in my life. This constant finding out and discovering myself as a unique
gay man helped me in discovering myself. This self-discovery will never end,
and I will never be boxed in and stereotyped in accordance with a certain
acceptable term or definition.
personal gay life involves expressing my effeminate self in my drag queen
identity, as I enjoy putting on make-up, donning wigs and female costumes for
entertainment on certain occasions, or for real life occasions, during which I
am quite boldly expressive. And the thought of me dating another person, either
gay or straight, as long as the emotions and the feelings are right, and even
to the extend of going to bed with them and having sexual experiences with them
does not bother me so much in my unique gay man self. Thus with this, I always
believe that my sexuality as a unique gay man is fluid. Based on this premise,
I decided to come out with my own self-definition as a trans gay man. “Trans” means constantly
moving on in experiencing my gay sexuality, and this give me a unique identify
as a gay man in Malaysia.
As for how
my faith in Christianity has guided me in growing into my current trans gay man
self, the letter of Paul to the Galatians has played an important role, with
its emphasis to bear the fruits of the Spirit as expressed through my life. The
greatest fruit of the Spirit is love, and in order for me to love myself, I
have learnt to do drag boldly on numerous occasions and to express my
effeminate self openly, even if it means that I will cease all possible chances
to help others to accept and love me for who I am.
working in a non-governmental organization in Malaysia, and working for the
LGBT community, I am constantly showing my true self. I am there in person to
show people my life through the things I do, by lending my voice of efforts in
issues pertaining to the LGBT community. This work is the platform that I use to
help LGBT people, and for people to understand who I am as a trans gay man, and
what it means to me to be able to express myself without being boxed in or
stereotyped in Malaysia.
Nat Kee lends his/her voice in support to the Malaysia LGBT community as
a trans gay man.